Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ugh! I am so tired of the night sweats! I remember slightly waking up last night and taking my shirt off, but when I first woke up topless this morning and felt my still damp shirt laying beside me, I remembered.

I did not have a fever today though, so that is good. It was 98.6 a little while ago.

I am really really tired today. Just utterly exhausted. I just want to go to bed and wake up well. I don't care if 2 years away. I don't feel like I'm truly alive usually anyway. I'm just having a case of the blahs this evening. Just feeling sorry for myself.

I just feel like this 'thing' should have been treated so many years ago. My children may have it, we will find out this week what Elijah's Igenex Western blot says. I'm so scared.

He wanted to watch Under Our Skin, so I let him last night. I stopped it in various places and we talked of the content. He said he wasn't afraid. He has no idea how afraid I am for him.

I don't want to see him sick and hurting. Knowing that I gave it to him, is just a horrible tragedy.

I know that I've been sick for far too long to remember...to really truly remember how good life can be. But he's never been 100%. If he doesn't test positive, I will be shocked.

The weather was sunny and in the 50's. I thought about how active I used to be as we walked out of chuch to see kids playing/running. How good it felt to feel the wind in my hair as I ran. How freeing it was to be alert and happy. Not to be frustrated in a mere conversation because I cannot remember what I just said or what I wanted to say or the name of a simple object.

I am now 30 years old, but often feel 30-40 years older. My mother, in her 50's, enjoys much better health than I.

So many of us are silently suffering, hidden under misdiagnosis'. I was for many years. Even when I was well enough to go to college, I placed self imposed limitations on myself. Bedtime was strict at 10 o clock because I feared getting so ill again.

I worried immensely when I was working night shift in the NICU that somehow I was going to get sick again. I was more tired, but just attributed it to having young kids. My cognitive function then was miles ahead of where I sit today. I could not safely work in a NICU today. I couldn't remember the important things. I got forks out today for lunch twice (within 2 minutes) because I'd forgotten I'd already done it. I've burned so much food in the past few months because I cannot remember that I have something cooking if the children need me for a sec.

I had a lot of muscle twitches today. I did Thursday too. That was the deciding factor to start the Doxy. As I sat in bed wondering if I should risk trying it, my hand spasmed and index finger twitched suddenly. These happen quite frequently, but I know it is not normal.

I just feel exhausted this evening. I went to church today, came home and ate, got on the computer for awhile, went upstairs and read a book and laid in bed for awhile. Not exactly an exhausing regimen I would say!

I did screw in a couple of screws for the drywall downstairs while James held it. Otherwise I feel worthless today.

Oh, I did get my hair chopped off yesterday. I am to tired to comb it everyday. Since getting it highlighted last summer for the first time, it's been so dry, so I got about 12 inches cut off. It's going to be much easier to deal with, I can tell.

Well, I should try to have the kids get baths, they were in the woods, and I don't want to risk them getting poison ivy, I know how miserable that is!