Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009

Well it's still morning, but I've been sneezing a lot today, maybe from helping James rip out paneling 2 nights ago. I'm feeling discouraged today, wondering if this will EVER end. I added some friends to my facebook page last night and (they didn't know I have Lyme) they asked what I was up to, ect.

Sometimes I feel like I've never gotten to have a real life. It's been clouded by this illness. I had so many dreams back in high school. I was so smart and ready for life. Now sometimes like when I'm in the shower I will look at both the shower gel and the shampoo and try to think really hard to remember which one I use on my body and which on my hair. I get really confused sometimes.

I apparently will say something to James and he will give me a 'huh?' I will say it again and he will say, "No, that's not what you said before, you didn't make any sense." I will swear that I said the same thing both times though, it seems like I did.

I looked at pictures of my old friends on facebook enjoying their kids/life. My kids have never had a 'normal, healthy mom'. Back in the day before I knew it was Lyme, I just kept reiterating what the doc said, "panic disorder". It's all in my head. I would get so frustrated that I couldn't overcome it.

Thing is, when I went on a raw diet, it took about 6 months, but the panic/fatigue stopped. Now if it was panic disorder, why in the world did it go away without counseling?? But just diet??! My theory is that the diet enabled me to detox the neuro toxins from the Lyme while strengthening my immune system and knocked the spirochetes into cyst form (dormancy). Then when I got pregant 6 months later, I started eating junk food and my body was working really hard to make te baby and immune function crashed.

When Violet was just 1-2 months old, I started getting the heart symptoms again. Plus after she was born, I had night sweats for about 8 weeks following her birth. I had not had that with the other 2 kids. My mom assured me it was 'just hormones'.

2 weeks ago I had a few heart episodes, I was also having sheet soaking night sweats for 5-7 nights in a row. I haven't had another heart episode since, nor the night sweats. Babesia flaring it's ugly head?

I cannot wait to see Dr. J next month in PA. I know that someone told me that he doesn't buy into the idea that everyone has a co-infection, but I'm hopeful that he will consider Babs for me, esp since it came up on Electrodermal testing before I ever knew I had Lyme.

Well, I need to get moving, crazy James wants me (haha) to rip out all of the paneling in his office basement, and we need to take it to the landfill later today, swing by Lowes. I've promised Elijah that we can go to the library after his Good News program after school. He really wants to get some Junie B Jones books, his teacher reads them at school to the students.

I may write more later if I get a chance!