Tuesday, Feb 17. 2009

Well it's hard to believe that there are only 11 days left in Feb! I'm glad because it means March is nearing and better weather should be upon us as well as my first appointment with Dr. J.

On Valentine's Day, James and I went to the local hospital and had my pre-appointment bloodwork drawn. Only 7 vials of blood were taken, with the order sheet I was afraid I was going to be donating a large amount of blood! I'm glad I will be tested for EBV, I was told in 2002 that I did not have it, therefore I never had mono. But who knows?!! I've been told many conflicting things from a variety of doctors.

I watched part of Dr. Phil today (I never watch it, but heard them speaking about fear, so I started watching) and I think I want to start counseling. Something REALLY awful happened to me and my family in Oct 2007 and I have not gotten past it, partially because I do not know how this will affect my future.

I do believe I have PTSD. I have not driven by myself since July 2008, and I am sometimes very fearful in public places. I just don't know how having this terror will affect my LD treatment. It's quite obvious to me that this awful thing crashed my immune system and allowed me to relapse for the third time.

So can I heal without addressing this issue? I doubt it. But I am petrified of talking about it. I can only imagine how fearful it will be to talk with another person about this. Plus I feel guilty because James and the kids will have to take me to the appointment.

I just don't know. I did call one counseling place and asked if they have any experience with Lyme Disease induced anxiety and depression. I was not surprised that they do not. However, I do believe that there are many people in OH who do have Lyme with A and D and don't know they are sick. So they probably have seen people like myself.

I need to get over my fear of taking medications. I had a reaction (whether fear based or allergic, I'm not sure) to something called Seroctin I bought online last summer. I took the liquid and within minutes, my heart made a huge BOOM! And it just took off. It was beating harder than I'd ever experienced it, I placed James' hand on my chest and his worried expression let me know that this was bad.

It took about 15 minutes for the rate to slow enough that I could start to breathe normally. I never took it again and have not experienced it since. James took the supplement twice without ill effects. It's hard to say what caused it.

As a result, I am very fearful that I will either have an anaphylactic reaction to a medicine or one with tachycardia/hypertension again that will kill me.

So I struggle with wondering if I should just remain in my current state and hope that the Lyme dosen't kill me or take meds that may kill me.

What a rotten choice!

Sometimes I wish I could return at least to Sept 2007 and ensure that this trauma would not occur. What would my life be like? Vastly different without the recurrance of Lyme I'm sure! My children are missing out without me. I know this. It kills me. I often wish that I had never made that trip to South Carolina in 1996. What I thought would be a wonderful time turned out to be the most devestating lifealtering occurance in my life.

I wish people without Lyme had the capacity to understand the magnitude that lyme changes a person. I can hardy rememver who I used to be. My mother remembers. She has stated several times that it just seemed that something came and took her daughter one day. Physically I am still here. Yes. Part of me anyways. I can walk and clean and cook, somedays are more of a a struggle than others.

Yesterday I was trying to help James with the basement walls. He wanted to remove the paneling and drywall after our water pipes broke and the basement flooded in January. Well, we removed the walls last week, but they were both nailed AND glued and there is MUCH glue to scrape off. It's very difficult to scrape. I could scrape about 10 inches worth and I would have to sit down. Then repeat.

I know he gets frustrated, but I did warn him that I may not be of much help.

Such is my life.

Sorry I am not full of hope today about my healing. It just feels imppossible sometimes.

Anyway.....I will end this post now.